11 Things I Realized While Traveling Home

Famous Carpet @ PDX - Portland, Oregon
Famous Carpet @ PDX – Portland, Oregon

1. The Friend who Takes You to the Airport Most Certainly DOES NOT Know a Shortcut I don’t care if they’ve lived there their entire lives. They WILL miss an exit, that one turn or some secret dirt road. This mistake will result in a tense question/answer session regarding anything (i.e. your parents, repeated stories about that friend that you hate, dogs etc.) besides the possibility of missing your flight.

2. Everyone Assuming You’re a Predator or Worse – the T Word I have purple hair. Yeah my mom isn’t too happy about it either. When entering any airport, I always try my best to dress in the most people-approved outfit in order to not attract those motherly looks “well my daughter will never…(insert anything that basically means “look like you”). Don’t even think about smiling at a child. Especially if you’re a woman. Parents look at you like your empty womb MUST be lusting to steal their lumpy headed baby that keeps stepping on my feet. Obviously. The T-Word is code for terrorist. I have an unnatural fear of being accused of being a terrorist even though I could qualify for the Basic Bitch of America Club. Yet every time they scan my bag, my stomach drops and I think, “they’ve got me. It’s over.” But really, they just found my embarrassing feminine ointment that I forgot to put in that stupid plastic bag for all the world to see.

3. Children lose their cuteness – fast and hard Anyone who says otherwise is a liar. Now shut that kid up before I punch them in the neck with my oxygen mask.

4. Softies Sweatpants/soft-pants are the celebrity guest star to any airport excursion. I am normally in full support, however the amount of soft-panted faux pas are disturbing. Whether it’s the high-water look or inappropriate bunching, there’s not a lot you can do but stare. The matching family soft-pant look is truly a game changer. You learn all you need to know in that moment about that family. Just soft people living soft lives in soft-pants (soft-panted philosphy).

5. When the Plane Stops Breaking is unnatural to me. Bikes, cars, trains. Not ok. My body never looks attractive in braking position; the lurch always sloshes something into view that was perfectly tucked away at the previous velocity. But planes are the worst of all. Nature and science are physically coming together in this moment to let you know that you’re doing something wrong. Resistance is unnatural. But then again, I do have to go to the bathroom so get me down immediately.

6. MouthBreakers Brought to you by a cult of deviated septum’s, exclusively in your row.

7. Scalping You hear the “ping”, “plop”, “smack” as the person next to you drops a precious commodity. As they reach down, they are forced to rest their head on your thigh (that one part that not even your significant other is allowed to touch). In this moment, as they sift around for the item and their skin cells rub into your jeans, you cannot help but notice the aroma of your neighbor’s head. A myriad of delightful flavors, usually ranging in colorful shades of these people: a. The Recovering Dandruff Victim; b. The I Don’t Shower because F#$% Society; or c. The I’ve Smoked for 20 Years and So Has My Hair This smell rises up to your nose, leaving you more personally acquainted with this human than is appropriate in a 2 hour flight.

8. Quarantined with the Infected Waiting to leave the plane is by far the MOST PAINFUL FEW MINUTES OF YOUR LIFE. In these 10 minutes, the cabin shifts from a dry, freezing metal tube, to a humidified disease infested jungle of mouth breathers and sticky children. With every breath you take in, the plague rushes into your lungs, wreaking havoc on your body and worse, your paranoia that you are about to be the next Patient 0.

9. Stepping Off the Plane = Escaping the Apocalypse Freedom arrives just as you’re descending into a coma of sweaty infinity.

10. PLEASE Don’t Forget Your Bag! Abandoned luggage reminds me of old people alone in old folks home. No one rushing to claim them. This visual metaphor that I have created entirely on my own makes me overly sad and usually results in some embarrassing sniffling. It’d be a great movie theme though.

11. I’m a bad person.  It’s true. If you read any of this list, you know.

11.5. Like real bad.  It’s ok. I’ve accepted it. Have you ever wished for death to fall upon the person breathing on your neck? I have. Or for someone to suddenly lose an essential motor function as they weave in front of you causing you to trip for no reason because you’re in an empty freaking airport ? Me, that was me. As the holidays approach and you have no choice to board these flying tubes of soft-panted-mouth-breathers, I know you’ll join me soon enough, so please #nojudgement. S

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